Insomnia...

Well its almost 9am and i still havent been to bed yet.I'm exhausted but my eyes wont stay shut, my mind just keeps raceing.I had a friend call me around 5am and right of the bat i knew something was wrong cause this person is usually in bed by then.They were just out walking around and needed someone to talk to..vent to.Sometimes it hurts me to help friends because i want them to be happy and when i see them hurting or just unhappy it sucks..especially my close friends.My mind is raceing at the speed of light and i cant slow it down.I feel sick and i keep thinking about that past and i shouldnt be.Its called the past for a reason.Grrr...i wanna try to go lay down but i highly doubt i'd fall asleep i would probably just end up stareing at the ceiling..i dont know..but my back hurts...i will probably be asleep most of the day..i hope not but its possiable..i will probably write more later.Peace.Take care...

Random Questions..

Start off with your name?

Nicole Lynn Long

Last awkward moment?

Rideing around with my sisters roommate and 3 other boys...

How many people do you trust?

between 4-5

Are you happy with your life?

It's pretty good. Can't have too much to complain about at the moment but it could be a little bit better...

If you could go back in time, would you?

If it didn't interfere with my future...I would go back and change a few things...

Last thing you did before bed last night?

Cleaned out my inbox..

Ever dated anyone on your top friends?

Yep...

Anything bothering you?

I wish i could say no but then i would be lieing

Do you go to school?

Kinda..night classes for my GED

Is green your favorite color?

Indeed it is..Lime Green..

Do you text or call more?

Text, i dont really like to talk on the phone much

What do you usually do first in the morning?

If i wake up that early...

Do you have workout videos?

One from like forever ago

Favorite thing to shop for?

Clothes for Hayden...Journals...

Are you dating the very last person you kissed?

I am most definitely. :)

What color are your eyes?

Very light blue..i have been told when im upset they turn grey...

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?

not unless i have to

Was today a good day?

It was pretty average. Just a typical day

Ever liked someone older than you?

Oh of course

Relationship or hook up?

Relationship.

Is there anything that you are craving right now?

Awnsers to questions

Have you made a mistake this past week?

Yeppers...

Did you speak to your mother today?

Yessum I have.

Is life over for you?

Of course not

Do any of your friends have children?

Oh indeed.... :) Lisa's about to give birth any day now :)

Without saying names, say one thing to someone?

Do you honestly not want to talk to me right now or what?

What song did you last hear?

The same one i've been listening to over and over again..Make Me Wanna Die-The Pretty Reckless

You're locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

Not at all

Is the last person you kissed older than you?

Noppers..

What woke you up this morning?

My bladder

Do you or are you supposed to wear retainers?

No..i dont think so....

Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

Very rarely

Who are all the texts from in your inbox?

Joe M,Dad,Tahoe,Mark,Jonny,Heather C,Mama Dudden,Anna,Brandy H,Skye,Tina,Dayna,Jonathon,Stacy M,Becky

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J, A, G, M, S, or D?

J-Yesherz!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

A-Yea

G-No...

M-Yea

S-Yea

D-Yea

Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can't?

Yes.

Who was the last person you took a picture with?

My love..

If you HAD to get a tattoo where would you get it?

my wrist

If you HAD to dye your hair a color what color would it be?

eh i dont know..i have died it to much...

If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go?

I would love to go as long as i can take Hayd,Jonny,Mahala and Kaleb with me :)

How late did you stay up last night?

2:30am

How's your heart lately?

Its happyish..just missing its other half..

Would you have a baby with the last person you kissed?

Not right now but eventually i wouldnt mind...

Anyone say they wanted to be with you forever?

Yeppers..many times but this time i actually believe it.

Do you look people in the eye when you talk to them?

I try to..i feel akward when i cant have eye contact with whoever im speaking to.

Who was the first person you talked to today?

My mother.

Do you try hard in school?

For the most part

What's annoying you?

Allot...

Is anyone on your bad side right now?

Ha a few people...

Do you remember who you liked this time three months ago?

I sure do :) I love you Jonny <3

Is there anyone in the room with you?

Nope...

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?

Nope...

What's a fact about the last person who texted you?

He's never going to learn...

Have you yelled at anyone in the past few days?

sure have...

Have you ever broken your own heart?

Yepp...once....

What did you do today?

Nothing all that entertaining...

What are you doing tomorrow?

Not sure..i'll figure that out tommarow

What were you doing last night at 10 and why?

I honestly cant remember

When will your next kiss take place?

Hopefully this weekend

Have you ever stayed up at night waiting for someone to call/text you back?

Yes, I have.

Kissed anyone with the name starting with an R?

Not that i can remember

Has anyone said they love you in the past week?

Quite a few people

Attachments

So i've found myself thinking about someone from my not so distant past that hurt me.I cant figure out why i think about him so much but i think the reason is because he was the first relationship that showed me what i deserve.Granted he ended it but he made me realize that all my past relationships were helping me learn and that the love i was waiting for was just around the corner.Thats when i met Jonny :) I really wish i didnt think about Josh but i do.I'm still friends with most of my ex's except like 3.I hate the fact that i think about him from time to time but then again i dont.I dont really want to think about him but i do.I wanna tell Jonny cause i highly doubt he'd be mad but he probably wouldnt like it to much.I dont blame him.If he told me that he was thinking about any of his ex's that arent his friends i probably wouldnt be to happy.It could also be because Josh left things in a mess and left me wondering what happend and maybe im still curious.It doesnt really matter anymore but still i kinda would like to know, wouldnt you?I know plenty of people that hang out over there if they even still live here but they never mention a word about it,which is for the most part how i'd like to keep it but everytime i drive by or walk closeish to that place i glance over.I dont know..i just wanna stop thinking about him already because i know i love Jonny and thats not going to change.My dad told me night before last that he doesnt think me and Jonny will be togethor forever.Thats like the 3rd person.What is with people and telling me that my relationship isnt going to work?I thank them for being honest but no one really knows whats going to happen tommarow.Jonny and i have been threw allot in the past 4 months and it feels longer then just 4 months.He has proven to me many times that he will do whatever for me and that hes always there for me.Being in different states makes it hard but we make it work.Hes got court on the 27th and im scaredish.I already know what hes for the most part charged with but still ya know?Court has always been a uneasy place for me but what do you expect i was in and out of court systems when i was little,its definately a place i would like to avoid if i can but sometimes i cant and in the future im going to be the reason why i am in there.Not right now but soon..i hope.Well thats all for now i will probably write more as my day progresses.Later.Take Care.

Gone but not forgotten

Skin-Rascal Flatts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhnU9IYTD9c%EF%BB%BF



I came upon this song for the first time in a long time and i cant help but think of Miss Kylie.I didnt really know her that well but i did speak to her a few times.She was and still is a very beautiful,smart and talented women.My best friend was very close to Kylie and its still very hard on her.Why she was taken from this place we may never know but one thing i do know is that shes always with us everystep of the way.She may be gone but she will never be forgotten.

Easier Said Then Done

Have you found that once you get used to feeling someones heartbeat next to you it becomes your lullaby and its almost humanly impossiable to sleep without them?I am so used to haveing jonny right there with our hearts beating as one and our breathes syncronized and his strong yet gentle arms around me that its hard to sleep.i stay up till i am just exhausted and my eyes can no longer hold themselves open.i miss him so much!He's one of the two people that never EVER leave my mind.I got to hear his voice yesterday as i was filling out job applications and i couldnt concentrate.I had to stop and just listen to him.I cant wait till all this shit is over and done with so i can fall asleep with him everynight and wake up to those beautiful eyes every morning.If he was here 24/7 everything i have to do with him not here would be so much easier...but...i know that he's there and takeing care of what he needs to get done so it makes it a tiny bit easier.Once everything is over and done with hopefully i will have a place and a car and he can just move in with me.I have one job app left to fill out then im going to run them back later today.Hopefully i wont sleep that late.Sometimes i feel like i put allot on him because i talk to him about everything..and i mean everything but he says he dont mind.He's such a good listener that when i need to vent he's usually the first person i call.Sometimes i'll just text Mama Dudden but he's usually numero uno.He takes the sting out of Hayden not being around and makes me focus on things i need to get done,he calms me down so easily that just his smile makes me happy and i feel more relaxed.He's proved to me in many ways that he cares like being super honest about some things that i didnt expect him to tell me.My dad says that we have good communication which is something i have never really had in any other relationship.See me and Jonny's relationship is so much different then any other i have been in and i love it.I've always had a weakness for different and as some call it weird.But to me its not weird at all.Its something i have always wanted but never got.Someone once told me that one day i will meet the one person who would completely change my world and Hayden and Jonny are doing a pretty good job,but they arent changeing it for the worst they are changeing it for the better.I'll admit that when i had Hayden i should have grown up but i didnt really have much of a child hood and i was stuck in that "oh lets just fuck around" stage and in the past 2 years i have been crawling out of it but Jonny yanked me outta that hole with a quickness.He's helped me allot and sometimes i feel bad about it but then when he needs to talk about shit i dont feel so bad because i know i can be there for him and thats exactly what hes doing for me.I told him one night that he didnt need to worry about me that he needed to worry about his court shit so he can get it over with and he said i have nothing to worry about but you.Tears fell on that one as well as many other things he has told me.At first i didnt really believe it but the more we talked and hung out the more not only did i fall in love with him but the more i understood the method behind the madness.He's a little crazy at times but you get used to it after a while haha.Honestly i am pretty sure he knows just as much about me as my dad does maybe even more.He's the only one besides my dad i have ever really been able to open up to.He knows lots of things that i have never told anyone and i know some about him and shit he has been threw.He's been honest about things that i would have dumped other guys for but since he was honest he gained brownie points and i have never had that.That takes some balls right there.He makes me believe in myself and makes me feel beautiful.I dont put make up on anymore and think oh that looks decent,nope i put on make up and say hey your a sexy bitch lol.I will admit i have become a little cocky but not to the point of annoying anyone or at least i hope not.I have become more comfy without make up which is weird cause i think i look dead to the world without it.I love takeing baths or showers with him and i'll wipe my make up off and i will ask him if i am racoon status and he will tell me where i have make up left if i have any.The cutest thing i love about bath/shower time is when he washes my hair and shoots me in the face with the ghetto shower thing or well he used to when i lived in julesburg.That bathroom was soaked but it didnt bother me.He catches my tears when i cry and just holds me till i stop.The day i left julesburg not only did i cry because god knows muffin is one of the closest people to me but i cried because i would be farther from him.Not knowing when i will be able to see him drives me insane and not in the good way.I could honestly talk about Jonny all day and all night but im pretty sure this book needs to end for today lol.But i will admit this i am most definately without a doubt in love with Jonny and thats never going to change.EVER!Ged classes are going pretty good..they arent to hard except fractions and decimals.Math was easy till they put letters it in :P I cant remember Miss Lindaurs formula to save my life haha.Math has never really been a strong point for me.I had a interveiw at Micky D's this afternoon and i couldnt for the life of me remember anything that was relitively close to the questions she was asking.I felt i didnt do that good but you never know sometimes your opion is completely different then everyone elses.I was up till about 5ish this morning and it is so hard to sleep without Jonny around.Its mommy week on facebook and it hurts..allot.Honestly i still dont see how anyone could keep a child from its mother but things happen sometimes that we have no control over.I know i cant take care of her right now but i should still be able to see her.You have no clue how bad it hurts to have her call some other woman mommy.I know shes bein very well taken care of and right now thats all that really matters.I want her to be happy and healthy.Anyway..thats pretty much all for today..Take Care,Nikki Lynn <3

Missing Her

Hayden Elizabeth
March 27,2009
6:58am
North Platte,Nebraska

Being her mommy is amazeing but it'd be even better if she was here with me.Her father broke up with me and took her.He likes to play mind games and i hate it.Hes getting married on the 10th and that doesnt even bother me its the fact that he took my babygirl and she needs me.I hate the fact that some other woman is raiseing her.It should be me!I miss her so much.I wake up crying somedays and sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night screaming.I'm so worried about her.I know her dad will take care of her but i want to be a part of her life too.I've missed so much and it hurts so bad.I just wish things were different.