Easier Said Then Done

Have you found that once you get used to feeling someones heartbeat next to you it becomes your lullaby and its almost humanly impossiable to sleep without them?I am so used to haveing jonny right there with our hearts beating as one and our breathes syncronized and his strong yet gentle arms around me that its hard to sleep.i stay up till i am just exhausted and my eyes can no longer hold themselves open.i miss him so much!He's one of the two people that never EVER leave my mind.I got to hear his voice yesterday as i was filling out job applications and i couldnt concentrate.I had to stop and just listen to him.I cant wait till all this shit is over and done with so i can fall asleep with him everynight and wake up to those beautiful eyes every morning.If he was here 24/7 everything i have to do with him not here would be so much easier...but...i know that he's there and takeing care of what he needs to get done so it makes it a tiny bit easier.Once everything is over and done with hopefully i will have a place and a car and he can just move in with me.I have one job app left to fill out then im going to run them back later today.Hopefully i wont sleep that late.Sometimes i feel like i put allot on him because i talk to him about everything..and i mean everything but he says he dont mind.He's such a good listener that when i need to vent he's usually the first person i call.Sometimes i'll just text Mama Dudden but he's usually numero uno.He takes the sting out of Hayden not being around and makes me focus on things i need to get done,he calms me down so easily that just his smile makes me happy and i feel more relaxed.He's proved to me in many ways that he cares like being super honest about some things that i didnt expect him to tell me.My dad says that we have good communication which is something i have never really had in any other relationship.See me and Jonny's relationship is so much different then any other i have been in and i love it.I've always had a weakness for different and as some call it weird.But to me its not weird at all.Its something i have always wanted but never got.Someone once told me that one day i will meet the one person who would completely change my world and Hayden and Jonny are doing a pretty good job,but they arent changeing it for the worst they are changeing it for the better.I'll admit that when i had Hayden i should have grown up but i didnt really have much of a child hood and i was stuck in that "oh lets just fuck around" stage and in the past 2 years i have been crawling out of it but Jonny yanked me outta that hole with a quickness.He's helped me allot and sometimes i feel bad about it but then when he needs to talk about shit i dont feel so bad because i know i can be there for him and thats exactly what hes doing for me.I told him one night that he didnt need to worry about me that he needed to worry about his court shit so he can get it over with and he said i have nothing to worry about but you.Tears fell on that one as well as many other things he has told me.At first i didnt really believe it but the more we talked and hung out the more not only did i fall in love with him but the more i understood the method behind the madness.He's a little crazy at times but you get used to it after a while haha.Honestly i am pretty sure he knows just as much about me as my dad does maybe even more.He's the only one besides my dad i have ever really been able to open up to.He knows lots of things that i have never told anyone and i know some about him and shit he has been threw.He's been honest about things that i would have dumped other guys for but since he was honest he gained brownie points and i have never had that.That takes some balls right there.He makes me believe in myself and makes me feel beautiful.I dont put make up on anymore and think oh that looks decent,nope i put on make up and say hey your a sexy bitch lol.I will admit i have become a little cocky but not to the point of annoying anyone or at least i hope not.I have become more comfy without make up which is weird cause i think i look dead to the world without it.I love takeing baths or showers with him and i'll wipe my make up off and i will ask him if i am racoon status and he will tell me where i have make up left if i have any.The cutest thing i love about bath/shower time is when he washes my hair and shoots me in the face with the ghetto shower thing or well he used to when i lived in julesburg.That bathroom was soaked but it didnt bother me.He catches my tears when i cry and just holds me till i stop.The day i left julesburg not only did i cry because god knows muffin is one of the closest people to me but i cried because i would be farther from him.Not knowing when i will be able to see him drives me insane and not in the good way.I could honestly talk about Jonny all day and all night but im pretty sure this book needs to end for today lol.But i will admit this i am most definately without a doubt in love with Jonny and thats never going to change.EVER!Ged classes are going pretty good..they arent to hard except fractions and decimals.Math was easy till they put letters it in :P I cant remember Miss Lindaurs formula to save my life haha.Math has never really been a strong point for me.I had a interveiw at Micky D's this afternoon and i couldnt for the life of me remember anything that was relitively close to the questions she was asking.I felt i didnt do that good but you never know sometimes your opion is completely different then everyone elses.I was up till about 5ish this morning and it is so hard to sleep without Jonny around.Its mommy week on facebook and it hurts..allot.Honestly i still dont see how anyone could keep a child from its mother but things happen sometimes that we have no control over.I know i cant take care of her right now but i should still be able to see her.You have no clue how bad it hurts to have her call some other woman mommy.I know shes bein very well taken care of and right now thats all that really matters.I want her to be happy and healthy.Anyway..thats pretty much all for today..Take Care,Nikki Lynn <3